This morning I will be 30 years old. Birthdays have never held a
lot of importance to me, but this one has been heavy on my mind.
I thought I might be depressed about it, because I started, a few
months ago, thinking of all the things I hadn't accomplished yet
in my life. Society (and mothers) think we should have a career,
a mortgage and a husband, with a couple kids, by 30. And I don't.
Not even close... though depending on the presence of money in my
bank account, I might have a career : ) But never one to stay gloomy
for long, I switched my thinking to the past, and where I had been
in 30 years, and what I had lived to see... and I realized I really
ought to be celebrating this day. The more I thought about it, the
more full of myself I got. I've gone completely over the edge and
can't sleep, so I hope you can forgive me while I prance around
with joy for a moment. I promise I will collapse into sleep and
be quiet for at least 6 hours when I'm done :)
was a long dark period of my life when I honestly doubted I would
live to see 30 years old. I remember focusing on 18 as a target,
and then 25. But thirty was so far away... it seemed like I had
a huge chasm to cross first. I believed in my inherent ability to
fight, but I wasn't so sure "the Gods" were going to let me win.
But I did survive. I survived my well intentioned but often emotionally
hurtful parents. I survived being a teenage runaway, and five months
on the streets crisscrossing the country with a bunch of bikers,
perpetually stoned and drunk. I survived having my jaw bounced out
of my head by a gang of teenagers, before I finished high school.
I survived high school. I survived nearly 4 years in a brutally
abusive relationship with only a few broken teeth and an eardrum
that throbs when the rain is coming. I survived five years of night
college. I survived bouts with life threatening illnesses. I survived
having my heart broken more times than I care to remember. I survived
9 miserable years of being a government drone. I started a dream
business, and so far, I've survived that too.
an absolutely amazing 30 years this has been!!
I know there will be more bad days to come, I really don't have
anything to be afraid of. I learned lessons that I probably have
not managed to learn in countless lifetimes and I have that knowledge
now, to guide the rest of my journeys.
learned about human nature, by seeing it up close, raw, and undiluted.
I learned about perseverance, by pushing myself to get a degree
just to prove I could. I learned about feelings, by losing all my
feelings and having to force, then welcome them all back. I learned
that broken hearts aren't fatal, because I still want to love. And
can. I learned to cherish freedom, by giving it away and having
to nearly die to regain it. I learned about people by immersing
myself in their midst. I learned to truly appreciate the good things
in life, because when you have lived in darkness, you can truly
appreciate light. I learned that I have an incredible power inside
me. I learned that dreams can come true, if you only believe it.
like a real turtle, I can continue on my journey with a shell of
fortitude forged in fire, protecting the "me" I've fought so hard
to discover and preserve.
must say - this has been the greatest life :) I have learned so
much, experienced so much already in my short years, that I can
barely contain my excitement wondering what the rest will hold.
Birthday to me :)
on my way to being an obliviously quirky old lady with the purple
hair, wierd silver jewelry and a permanently engraved smile)